What If

I read lots of different financial and frugal lifestyle blogs.  It’s a habit I stared several years ago when I was educating myself about financial management and I’ve kept it up, though not nearly as many as I used to.

Today, I read an article that made me think What If.

What If I had read this six months ago?  What would I have thought about it then, during the period of daily four hour arguments.  Would I have been able to use it as an example of what I was unhappy about in my life, and how two people really can change and pursue their own goals while still working together?  Would I have wanted that?

And then I start in with what my aikido sensei described as Monkey Mind.  The hamster on the wheel, thoughts running in endless, ever faster cycles.  Would I have been able to find happiness if I hadn’t changed?  Was the change worth it?  Am I happy now?  Am I “done”?  Am I happy now even though I still struggle with the realization that finding something to be passionate about is a process, a vector who’s direction component and speed can change independently and still maintain the same value.  (Yes, I just made a physics reference.)

I can’t deny that finally starting to see the results of my actions during this period of time has been amazingly gratifying.  Projects I’ve wanted to accomplish for years are coming to fruition. Like:

A decade’s worth of clutter nearly obliterated.  Diet and exercise well and truly on track with wiggle room for mood and circumstance (and almost guilt free, too). Space and time for my wants, my goals, my sense of exploration.  Permission to try, acceptance of failure.

Now if I could just stop poking at it and second guessing everything.  Anyone know how to cage a mental monkey?

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Published in: on June 20, 2011 at 13:37  Leave a Comment  

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